Honoring Taylor has created some of the most beautiful moments in these past couple of months. But if I’m honest, I could probably say that in someways, its became incredibly overwhelming as well.
You see, it’s hard not to believe the lie that honoring him is the best way to show I love him. And it’s so easy to fall into that trap, because my deepest desire is to continue to love him and honor his life and legacy. And so, when I continue to find myself falling behind, not feeling like I am good enough, or just wondering where my place is in all of it, I begin to crumble under the already induced pain. After much searching I found the bitter truth: honoring him is so much more different than what I think it should be. In fact, honoring him, isn’t always doing things FOR him.
I think that Taylor would have told me to chill out (as he always did) a long time ago, because he truly deeply loved me. And by that I mean that he wanted so many good things for me in life; like love, happiness, peace and growth. But of those good things, the best of those good things, was to follow God’s will and plan for my life. And that’s why I know he’d tell me that the best way to honor him was not just to do his things, but to do MY things. Especially the things that God has called me to do.
As I've mentioned before, Taylor didn’t like to watch dance, but he came to every show to support me. A lot of times with flowers and in a nice suite, just to be extra. At first I thought he was doing this to win me, which he mostly was, but then I realized that it wasn’t just that. Taylor came to those things because he knew it was what I loved to do. He knew it was a passion that God instilled in me. And he encouraged and loved that passion.
It may seem simple enough, to think that I shouldn’t revolve my life around honoring him. But when you lose someone you love, its easy to fall into the trap of believing that honor equates to love. I’m learning that Taylor wouldn’t want me to do my life completely like him. No. Not at all. In fact, that’s why he fell in love with me. Because I was doing my life for God, and I was being Sarah. He loved me, that's why he chose me. The greatest thing I can do to honor Taylor, is to be the best of Sarah. To go where God has called me to go and to listen to His voice.
As I step into this next chapter of my life, the desire to madly grip at the past becomes more and more prevalent. And yet even more, the struggle to grieve the future that will never be. I am learning little by little that the physical absence of Taylor in my life, does not mean that life has to be fully absent of him. In fact, the rest of my life will always be because of Taylor. It is because of Taylor that I am moving to Australia today. I am doing it to honor God and the promises and purposes that He has for my life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is what Taylor would want me to do to. Follow the words of our Creator, the one he is with right now, and be the best of Sarah that is possible.
That is what it means to honor him.
I love you babe. I miss you infinitely.