The How
About 3 months after losing Taylor, I met with a friend who was just recently widowed. We talked for a long while and during the discussion, she mentioned that she wanted to do her bridal photos again. It was the first time I had thought about it. I then casually mentioned that I'd love to do that for myself and for Taylor. To which, she amazingly reminded me that I don't need to do anything for Taylor, in the name of Taylor, if it is too painful. He wouldn't want that. After the meeting, like most women who have ideas, I consulted with many of my friends, including my mother. Everyone agreed it could be an incredibly painful experience. In addition, I didn't have my original wedding dress (I'll write about that later). So, I decided to give it to God and allow him to do the work. I prayed that if it was God's will, He would provide the right photographer, with the right price, at the right time.
About 2 months later, I received a phone call from the same friend. She told me that the Lord prompted her to gift me a photography and pampering session. She explained that I could use it for whatever pictures I wanted. I knew right away, it was a gift. Deeply Rooted by Val, is the name of the photographer. Valerie was incredible. I had absolutely zero expectations for the photos and she blew me out of the water with both her photography and editing skills. God truly answered my prayer, as she was so safe and kind. Her heart for telling the true story and presenting the rawness and beauty of it all was exactly what I wanted, while not even asking for it. Thank you, Val.
The Why
On April 28th I choose to be a bride but not in the way that I had hoped I’d be. I did not have my mother help me into my beautiful dream of a dress. I did not have my future mother in law do my makeup. I did not stand in front of the mirror and place the veil on my head. I did not walk down the aisle to see my best friend at the end. I did not even have the chance to say “till death do us part”.
Shortly after the accident, I realized that I wanted something to honor the decision that we should have made that day. I’m well aware that bridal photos are supposed to be an exciting depiction of the preparation for the day. And most of my pictures do not elicit pure joy. But to me, these represent a little piece of what should have been while honoring the love that I now carry. He is with me. He is a part of me. And he will always my Taylor.
The reason why I choose to take bridal photos was because, about a month after the accident, I found myself standing in the midst of the past and the present. The what should have been and the what is. And when you stand at that moment, you stoop down to pick up the broken pieces of what could be and you hold them close. And sometimes, you find pieces that are big enough to hold and big enough to use. In grief, you can either choose to let them go because they are too painful, or keep them and do what you can with them. I truly believe there is no right or wrong. For me, the bridal photos represent a small fragment of the wedding we never had.
I wanted these photos, more than anything, the display the rawness and realness of it all. For me, the hardest part about the photos is not that I don’t have my dress or the given circumstances. It’s knowing that there will never be another side to these photos. I will never get to see the ones of Taylor, preparing for our day. Yesterday, September 28th would have been our 5 month wedding anniversary. Obviously, by now we would have our wedding pictures. These photos were not meant to replace what was lost, there is no way to do that. But they do allow me to celebrate the love that I now carry for Taylor. It's not necessarily a joyful love, but it is real and true. And it's a love that I vow to hold and cherish for the rest of my life.
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