I have reached the point of maximum fragility. I am no longer able to be strong. It feels like I have an old wound that just won’t stop bleeding. It bleeds, and it bleeds. Some days worse than others. Some days I can put a bandage on it and pretend like it isn’t bleeding, but I still feel it a little. Some days it bleeds horrendously, and I am afraid to leave a place of safety for fear that others around see my blood, for it is nasty and painful to look at. Sometimes I bleed unexpectantly. It is triggered, and it comes gushing out. There is no way to stop it until it has run its course. It is vile and controlling. Most days I feel what can only be described as emotionally anemic. Most of my blood, my life, feels gone. I am tired of bleeding every day. And so I try to bandage it as much as I can. I try to pretend that on the inside it does not feel like I am dying. I hope others will understand. I hope that maybe they too can help with the bleeding. But sometimes you find that they are trying to hide it, just as much as you are.
I wish I could say that I am bleeding from one wound, one sever. But sometimes I feel as if I am cracked and bleeding all over. My body bleeds and I cannot control it because I am broken from the inside out. Every day I struggle to pick up the pieces of the girl I used to be, the memories of the past, the broken dreams all scattered about. I struggle to hold it all and yet, people tell me to let go of it. But I cannot let go. I cannot let go of those things, because they are the things I love. The old me, the memories, the dreams, they are all pieces of Taylor. They are all pieces of the man I love. They do not hold me captive, I hold them close. I pick up those pieces. I pick up as many as I can, and I try to place them on the cracks of my broken soul. And they do not fix it, they only make me bleed more. But I want so badly for it to fix me, I want so badly for Taylor to fix me. I want so badly for him to hold my broken soul, because no one will. But he cannot, and he will not. And so, I bleed.
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