The Holidays + Grief = the absolute worst
One night, when I walked into the house after work I found it was a bustle of red and green. I had already tried to decorate a little, but I soon found it took a lot of energy and effort that I wasn't willing or truly able to give. As I settled down to eat dinner, I quietly watched as those around me sang to Christmas carols at the top of their lungs and hung ornaments on the tree. Each carrying a bit of joy, a bit of the familiar. As I looked around, I began to feel as if I should be happy. I thought about the usual songs and how they used to make my heart sing. I thought about how I love to watch the house transform. I thought about how I used to love to settle down and watch the classic Christmas movies, as well as the cheesy ones. And then, I remembered how excited I was, last year, to one day spend this special holiday with Taylor. My mind raced to the thought that this should be us, in our own apartment, creating our own Christmas. The more my mind began to race, the more I felt myself searching deep inside for even a tiny bit of joy and anticipation for the season. But the more I looked, the more I felt myself slipping into the despair of it all. I realized what used to be the most wonderful time of the year for me, was truly becoming the worst.
I thought I was processing pretty well these couple of past months, but I could feel the holidays lurking and a day even worse, my birthday. I think I’ve always felt like some how, I was gonna make it through this. That it took one step at a time. But it wasn’t until that specific night, that I realized it was only getting thicker. It was only going to tear more. It was only going to continue to break me in ways I had never dreamed. Because that night I looked into his mother’s eyes and she said “How are we going to do this?” And for the first time I said, “I don’t know”.
In church the other day, someone asked "If you could have anything for Christmas, like anything on earth, what would it be?". Obviously, my first thought was "Taylor".
I think the hardest part of this whole thing is knowing there is no actual solution on earth. We can’t fix it because there is no end to grief. No matter how much I miss Taylor or hope for him to come back, he won't. And for a season that is all about family, love and hope, grief becomes an even steeper slope and thicker fog. In fact, it can become virtually unnavigable and incredibly overwhelming. And while everyone else seems joyful and content, you can find yourself feeling lonely and empty despite being surrounded by love and hope. At first, I was surprised I felt this way, I almost felt bad that I wasn't happy. And then I remembered that having grace on myself and my emotions is the only way to make it through.
Grief has taught me something in these past 8 months. It’s taught me that mastering it is nearly impossible. It’s taught me of how it protects your heart but also shatters it at the same time. And most importantly, its taught me to have grace on myself and my emotions. Its important to acknowledge that the holiday season IS HARD. Once I began to understand that, I realized that it was okay to cry while others gladly decorated their homes and it was okay to look for NEW traditions while others kept to their old ones. Joy and grief are not opposites, in fact, they are possible to have together. Which, is something that I'd like to talk about another time. Most importantly, I am reminded that Christmas is the real and true reason that I will seeing Taylor again someday. And so this Christmas, with many tears and joy I will be celebrating the gift of love and eternal life, in a way I never have before.
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