The daunting task of beginning to dream about life again after losing a future that you were sure you’d have...
In approximately 3 months, the 2 year anniversary for Taylor’s graduation to heaven will roll around. It’s not a day I’m looking forward to, but it never is. It’s interesting though, to think about that day a year ago. I had just moved to Sydney a few months before, struggling to grasp a future full of uncertainty. But last year was such a special year for me because it sparked a glimmer of hope. God was doing something good in the mess of my loss. He was making it beautiful.
But as this year has progressed, I’ve begun to rebuild and take my baby steps into my future. And as I begin to descend the mountain of First-Year that I finished, I’ve found myself asking hard questions.
How do I step into this hope? How do I begin to dream for something when I’m not sure if it’s for real? How do I build a future that honors the past of the man I love but also steps fully into the calling that God has on my life? How do I trust in God, when I know the reality and fragility of human life? To be honest, these are some of the hardest questions my heart has ever asked. But the best part is that they don’t surprise God.
Dreaming for the future is daunting, to say the least. But I’ve found that dreaming without faith is absolutely useless. I’ve also found, that there are many parts of my future that don’t need to be answered right at this moment and that’s where faith comes in. Faith is trusting, even when the path isn’t clear, the future seems unknown and your world feels like a mess. It’s leaning in when you wish that person was with you and allowing God to work with you in rebuilding our most broken selves.
If God created me, if he knitted me together in my mother’s womb, then who better than my original maker to put me back together and inspire me to dream again.
Dreams are not meant to be held and gripped in our hands but instead laid before the feet of our Father in heaven. He knows our deepest desires (he placed them there, to begin with) and he also knows how we can best live them out. He cares about my life, my future and the things that I love.
And so, I’ve come to find that dreaming will never be the same for me again. But I am also choosing to believe that I can do it better then before if I lay it at the feet of Jesus. Because I understand the reality of life’s fragility, I know that faith is the only cure for the instability that life has to offer. Whether or not dreams become reality I know they are much better laid before my creator than gripped in my hands.
And that is the baby steps my friend, that is the start of finding your footing and laying the first brick in the mess that is grief. You’ve got this. We’ve got this. Thank you, Jesus.