Preference: Hello everyone! I recently did a poll to find and compare quotes from people who have experienced grief and here are the results. This post is not meant to shame anyone. Instead, it is created to provide awareness for those who are deeply hurting. If you are grieving, I hope you feel understood and that your voice has been heard. If you are not, and you have found yourself saying these phrases to someone, that is okay. The point of this post is to create an understanding of how seemingly comforting and common words and phrases may actually cause more harm than good. Hopefully, I can provide new words of encouragement so that you can reach and love the broken-hearted.
1. “God has a plan, he is in control.”
I am reading a book called God’s Grace in your Suffering by David Powlison. In the book, Powlison explains how this state of mind, especially for a grieving person, can be unhealthy. Why? We hear people (especially Christians) say that God is in control all the time. Essentially, Powlison says that Christians get this quote from 1 Peter 4:19 which states ESV: "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." Is Peter saying “If you are suffering, God has control. Don't say or do anything because it is all His will and plan.”? No. Powlison explains that “entrust” your soul and speaking “God is in control”, over suffering, are very different. For example, in the Psalms when David is between life and death, he doesn’t just sit there and say, “God is in control, God is in control.” No, he pleads and prays to God, I'd even say fights a little. Saying “God is in control” negates all the feelings that an individual might be carrying in grief. It lacks empathy and encourages those walking in pain to press down emotions rather than openly expressing that their aren't always answers to the questions we ask. Yet, encouraging those to entrust your soul to God is asking him to be present in your suffering, because He can and will be. Sometimes that means fighting with Him a little, and that's okay. I'd also like to mention that this quote ties into "It all happens for a reason" which is up next. Next time you are tempted to say that, say this instead: “God, is with YOU (personally) in your suffering, entrust your soul to him, and He will walk with you through this.”
2. “It all happens for a reason.”
This quote is probably the non Christian version of "God has a plan". I have certainly had people tell me this. It truly provides no comfort because it hugely negates feelings and emotions. It is incredibly hurtful and demeaning to the person grieving, because it takes away the meaning and beautiful purpose of the life of the person who died. It is, in most ways saying "Well, their life wasn't important or good enough, life is better off without them." So, whether you believe in God or the Buddha, and you think all things run there course, there is nothing comforting about this quote. If you are a Christian and you say this quote than I have something for you. Here is a short Bible lesson that I am sure you have heard. God’s original intention for human kind was NOT death. God does not desire for people to suffer and hurt. However, because of sin and the devil (yes, believe it or not he plays a huge role in the crap that we experience in our world), we experience death. Therefore, saying that “It all happens for a reason,” completely negates God’s love and original purpose for mankind. We know that God works all things out for good, we know that in the end there is victory in Christ. But that does NOT mean that everything happens for a “reason”. There is this guy, his name is Satan and he wants to ruin your life and if you're grieving, he has already tried.
3. “It’s all going to be okay.”
Um, no. It’s not. Saying this to someone again, totally invalidates the horribly painful emotional roller coaster that comes along with grief. What this quote says to me is, “I have no idea what you are going through and I am not empathetic enough to connect.” Now, in the past, before I experienced something like this, I would say that this quote is pretty normal. We say it to comfort ourselves and others. But usually we say it, because we know that everything IS NOT going to be okay. If you’ve said this to someone before, don’t beat yourself up, it is honestly and sadly, a perfectly normal quote. But let’s change that. Instead of saying “It’s all going to be, okay”, let’s say “I am here, and God is here, regardless of the outcome.”
4. “Time heals.”
I’ve had a lot of grieving people mention that they’ve heard this one a lot, and I can agree. This quote, like many others, is said to comfort. But the problem with this quote is that people don’t know who or what they are actually comforting. It is like putting a small band aid a gushing wound. One of my favorite descriptions of grief is in C.S. Lewis’ book A Grief Observed. In the book Lewis compares losing someone you love to the amputation of a leg. When someone loses a leg, their way of life will never be the same. They can’t walk, bathe, get dressed, stand up or even sit down the same way they used to. Yes, the wound will heal, but they will never get that same leg back. People don’t often see grief in such a way because we don’t outwardly look like we’ve lost something. But the reality is, every grieving person has lost, in some way, a part of their soul. To tell them, “time heals” makes no sense. Maybe the wound will heal but what was once there will never be returned. You can’t fix that. Therefore, I’d say, if you are tempted to say “time heals” you are trying to fix the problem the person is walking through. And, guess what, you can’t. So, stop seeing only the problem in the person and love them for who they are. Healing is different and beautifully unique for everyone and honestly, it’s better not to even say a thing about it, because it’s not your place.
5. “You know, you are just going to have to move on.”
This quote is actually very similar to the “time will heal” and yes, I have had people say this to me, 3-4 months after losing the love of my life. “Move on.” What on earth does that actually mean? Well, people usually say “move on” when you are getting through a breakup in some form of relationship. Generally speaking, this is why people say it, because all they can see is that you are broken and sad, and they want you to move through and be better. But that is NEVER anyone else’s choice but your own. And “moving on” doesn’t work when a fiancé, husband, son, daughter or anyone else who is deeply loved has died. As I mentioned with “time will heal”, everyone’s walk through grief is different. If you are grieving, don’t ever let anyone tell you, you need to move on. You have a right to feel exactly what you need and are feeling. If you have ever said this to someone, please apologize, it deeply hurts. If you feel tempted to say this, because you think you know the best way to grieve (can you sense the sarcasm?), instead ask them what they need from you. What can you do for them? Just be there and be present. Don’t tell them what you think they need to do to “feel better”, because the reality is, you usually have no idea what they are walking through and how they feel.
6. “It could be worse.”
Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I’ve never had anyone say this to me, although I have thought it to myself (I know, unhealthy). If you are grieving, and anyone has ever said this to you, I am not sure how you didn’t punch them. If you have said this to someone, please, find that person and apologize. Even if it could be worse, you never say this. Why? It goes back to our theme of a complete and total lack of empathy. When Taylor died, it honestly felt like I died as well. Because a lot of me did. My hopes, my future, my dreams, all of which were built with Taylor. My whole life flipped upside down and I went tumbling with it. “It could be worse” essentially says, “You’ll be fine, you’ll get over it. What you are feeling right now, is small in comparison to what it could be.” It is never okay to say this to someone, especially because you have no idea what they are personally feeling. Respect people’s emotions and know that even if it “could be worse” it is NEVER your place to say so.
7. “They are in a better place now.”
For this particular quote, I know the context is very important. For many, it is given when someone suffers before death. For myself it is a bit different because Taylor did not suffer. So here are two different reasons why you should never say this. First, let me tell you what this potentially says when someone didn’t suffer. “There life here was bad, and now it is much better.” I don’t think anyone intentionally says this. Yes, Taylor is in heaven. Yes, he is no longer experiencing the curse of sin. However, Taylor’s life wasn’t bad. There were troubles, yes. But he was about to be married, graduate in a year, and potentially start a family. It makes no sense to say “he is in a better place,” because that really only makes the people who don’t know him feel better. Secondly, for those who watched a loved one suffer, this quote seems like it should comfort, but it doesn’t. This is because it is talking about the person that was lost, rather than the person that is hurting. It completely ignores the feelings of those who experienced the suffering, as well. I’ll admit, and I am sure any grieving person can too, there have been times where I have been straight up angry that Taylor is free from sin and pain, while I am stuck here suffering. We cannot unsee the suffering of those we love. Instead we must live the rest of our lives with it, and to say that it is a burden is an understatement. If you know someone who has experienced the suffering and death of someone they love, tell them that it is okay to feel the way that they feel. Show them that their suffering is not being ignored. Rejoice that those who have suffered are no longer suffering, but care for those who are still on earth, experiencing the pain.
8. “You now have an angel in heaven.”
Okay, name a Bible verse, any Bible verse, that says that people become angels when they die. I think that maybe this is said to comfort because angels protect, and people want you to think that the person you have lost is protecting you. But his quote opens up a whole new issue, that I am not going to fully dive into, at this point. Essentially, the Bible does not say anything about people dying and becoming angels. And I do not think that they gain “powers” like angels either. This subject definitely constitutes more Biblical research, for certain. I have no alternative to this quote other than, just don’t say it, please.
9.“They were needed in heaven.”
You may have already noticed, but there is a running theme as to why these quotes are not healthy to say or hear. Again, this quote completely undermines the pain and suffering of losing someone you deeply love. It also makes God look really bad. I will admit, there was a time where I questioned whether God wanted Taylor in heaven. I am sure that there are many Bible verses you could use to study this subject, and if you have insight into this please feel free to comment or email me! In my opinion, without getting too theological, this goes back to the subject of our original intention not being death. I don’t think that God wanted Taylor to die, although He allowed it. I do think that God desires for us to live a long and prosperous life that enlarges the Kingdom of Heaven. Again, death was not our original intention, we were created to live ON EARTH. The present Heaven, that Taylor is residing in, is not our final destination. Our final destination is NEW EARTH. So therefore, I don’t think God would intentionally call Taylor into a temporary residence, just because he is “needed”. I also do not have an alternative to this quote, other than don’t say it.
10. “God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.”
Angela White, Taylors mom has the most perfect answer to this quote:
“With the hardest battles/toughest soldiers.... yes, in Joshua and Jericho. In Moses and Pharaoh. Yes, in THAT. Not in tragedy HE DOESN’T CAUSE. When God sends you (me) to march into the mission field to show women their worth and value, YES!!! You are a tough soldier and God is giving you that hard battle. When Christine Caine fights against human trafficking, YES! She is a tough soldier and God is calling her into that battle. When a woman has a stillborn baby, NO! God did not “give” her that battle. He did not cause it! He will walk with her through it. When you lose your fiancé and we lose our son to a hit and run driver, NO! God did not “give” us this. Joshua and Jericho, yes. Tragedy, no. " Thank you Angela! This quote, in a lot of ways is for the person saying it and not the person doing it. It’s all fine and dandy to stand on the outside and say “Hey, God gave that to you because he knows you can handle it.” Uh. No. If you have said this, please understand, (I know you have the greatest intentions) this is by no means encouraging and in a lot of ways, not Biblical for people who are experience the loss of a loved one. It may sound good, but just don’t say it.
11. “You are so strong.” This is such a hard quote because I think it can do a little bit of good but also do a lot of harm. I’ve had a lot of people say this to me, and if you’re grieving I am sure you’ve heard this too. Ideally, telling someone that they are strong, in your eyes, is a compliment. You think that they are walking through and handling something better than what you think you could handle, so obviously they are strong. But the problem with this quote is sometimes, a lot of times, I’m not strong. I’m really not. You see the smiling, moving forward, version of me on Instagram or Facebook, but what you don’t see is the girl laying on her floor, all alone yelling at God and crying so hard that she can’t breathe. Most people would say that is pretty weak. It is interesting because this is something that have literally learned in the last week. Guess what, IT IS OKAY TO BE WEAK. In fact, I had a Pastor look at me a few days ago and say “God is okay with your weakness. Find people who are okay with your weakness”. The problem with “you are strong” is not that I am not strong, the problem is that deep down inside I think it is not okay to be weak, because everyone sees me as strong. In other words, I feel bad for feeling weak. If you are tempted to say “you are so strong” or “stay strong”, try saying what Pastor Preston intentionally said to me: “Hey, it is okay to be weak. It is okay that you feel the way you do. God knows. He is walking with you”. If you feel that someone has been inspiring in their grief and you want to encourage them, try using words like “inspirational” instead of strong.
12. “Life is tough, but darling so are you.”
Again, it is okay, to not be okay. It is okay to be weak, it is okay to feel like you can’t do it. That is normal, and it is a part of grief. I am learning this every day. I can see how this quote would maybe be encouraging, especially if you are walking through a tough time in your life. But when someone you love dies, life isn’t just tough. It is worse than tough and if you’re grieving you don’t need me to tell you that. This quote does not fully cover the impact of grief. Therefore, it again negates thoughts and emotions. It can also make you feel bad for not being tough. Instead of saying this quote, trying to say “Hey, it is okay, to not be okay.”
13. “There is someone else out there for you.”
This quote is for anyone who has lost their love. First of all, if you are reading this, I am so sorry. I know you have heard this, one too many times. This obviously is intentionally said to bring comfort but for me, it literally does the opposite. My intention, the moment I realized I loved and wanted to marry Taylor, was to spend the rest of my life loving him. I decided that I would dedicate the love in my heart to him, until the day I died. You would never tell anyone in love, engaged or even married that there was someone else out there for them (and if you did that’s a separate issue). I have had people say this to me days and months after losing Taylor. The problem with this well intended quote is that people don’t want you to feel like you are going to be alone forever, they want you to feel like there is hope. But when you say this to someone who is still deeply in love and maybe even still falling in love with someone who is gone, it’s like putting salt on a deeply cut wound that is still heavily bleeding. Maybe it will keep off the infection, but the blood is still pouring out, so what is the point? In the same way, this quote incredibly disregards the love that you can have for a person, even when they are dead. Maybe, one day God has prepared someone else, but that is never anyone else’s choice but your own. This quote is so tempting, I know. But instead of saying it, pray for them. Pray for their hearts, that God will put his healing touch on them.
14. “I know what you are going through.”
Um, no you don’t. I personally think that one of the largest problems when it comes to emotion and feelings, in society, is that we tend to generalize. This, is especially true for grief. We think everyone is either the same, or we go around comparing who has it better or worse. Both of those are WRONG. I do not know what it feels like to lose a son or a daughter. I do not know that it feels like to lose a friend. I do not know what it feels like to lose a brother or sister. AND even if I did, I would still never say “I know what you are going through.” You guys, everyone is unique and beautiful, I think we can all agree on that. So, why do people automatically think that my grief, or your grief is the same? Grief is a personal walk, a personal process. No two people will EVER walk through grief the same. Now, if you have said this, don’t feel guilty, it is definitely tempting and easy to say. I know where your heart is. Usually, when people say this quote, they are personally trying to connect and that is okay. But if you want to personally connect to someone, and you want them to know that you’ve experienced the same kind of pain, just share your story and know that it is completely and totally different. Do NOT compare, just share. And just be there. Also, sometimes not saying anything is the most powerful thing you can do. And I would recommend this out of any of the quotes above.